For the Lonely
Photo Credit: Rev. Wongee Joh
Over the last two weekends, people have thrown us baby showers. This was an unexpected development. Separated from our families and many of our close friends, my husband and I looked around and shrugged our shoulders at the realization that there really wasn’t a friend or family group in place to throw us a traditional shower. It didn’t bother us much, and we resigned ourselves to not worrying about the ritual.
But last week, the church surprised us with a party replete with cute decorations, generous gifts, and a awesome onesie that says “Church of the Village <3’s me.” This was a beautiful expression of the church’s constant love and support for us as we have stumbled into this awesome transition into parenthood, and we were so touched and grateful.
Then, this past weekend, a United Methodist clergywoman threw us a shower upstate. When we arrived at her house, we found her entire family cooking an amazing spread: handmade California rolls, freshly grilled ribs, home fried chicken breasts, kimchi, and chocolate cake. Hand-painted wooden blocks on her mantle spelled out “BABY FLIPPIN”. My husband and I greeted guests as they arrived, and we began gathering around the various tables of delicious food, talking and catching up. After a few hours, we sat down in the living room. By this time it was dark outside, and the room was dimly lit with warm lamps. Tea and coffee arrived on a tray, and we all settled in.
As only a clergyperson might do, our hostess asked each guest to give my husband and me a blessing by telling us something they have learned from a child in their life. One by one, each person told us a sacred story about their own children or children they have worked with, wishing for us to feel as blessed as they have been by the insights and lessons of young people. The conversation was really touching for my husband and me.
And as we sat around in the lamplight, I remember looking around at each individual and thinking, When did these people become my friends? How did this happen?
For so many years, I have hobbled in and out of loneliness. Like many young adults, as soon as I left the peer-saturated, automatic friend pool of college and graduate school, I walked into a world of isolation, where it felt like everyone already had all the relationships they needed, where you had to actually make an effort to form friendships, where you could spend months trying to get to know someone, only to realize you just didn’t click with them and would have to start all over in your search for companionship.
The same went for my work colleagues. I remember several really lonely years going to our region’s annual conference, wandering around a sea of strangers who all seemed to know and love each other but to whom I seemed invisible. For these last five and a half years being out of school, my narrative about myself has been, “I have no friends.” But this weekend, as I enjoyed a sort of last supper with colleagues before my parental leave, as we sat around drinking tea and sharing our lives, I realized that my narrative was no longer true. Somehow these people–with whom I have attended countless conference meetings, with whom I have organized around LGBTQ rights and racial justice, with whom I have worshiped and talked through sermons–somewhere along the way, these people became my friends.
Jesus and his disciples had a moment like that at their last supper together. After they ate, and as they shared wine and life together in the candlelight, they talked for a very long time. And there is this moment, when Jesus looks around at these people with whom he has been doing ministry for the last few years, and he tells them, “I do not call you servants any longer, because the servant does not know what the master is doing; but I have called you friends, because I have made known to you everything that I have heard from my Father-Mother.” (John 15:15). Jesus tells them that they are no longer in a master-servant or teacher-student relationship. But, at some point along the way, these people have become his friends.
Some of us today have also had friendship creep up on us. For those, I encourage you to look around your life today, at your colleagues, your church relationships, your neighbors. Open your eyes and see the the friendships that have developed, give thanks to God for those who journey beside you, and keep an eye out for those around who may still be seeking community.
Some of us today are feeling loneliness. For those, I want to say that I’ve been there too, and so many others are in the same boat. Finding friendship in new situations is difficult and sometimes feels like it takes forever. But my prayer for you is that you would keep at it, that you would continue to open yourself up to the life to which God has called you, so that perhaps one day you may wake up and find that you are not so alone anymore.
May it be so for all God’s children.
Seeking community in the city? Check out one of our small groups and studies at Church of the Village.
I found this this old email searching for somethings to do in an effort to fill some voids where my life has found moments of this loneliness that pastor Vicki writes about. I wanted to share my thoughts with you and thank you for this written piece.
This is an example again how God shows his grace and I get to feel his loving hands. I find myself feeling isolated as I recover from this past surgery. Even though I was prepared for the physical discomfort I knew I was going to go through, I did not prepare myself for the mental discomfort this would bring. Being still, for many people, is quite uncomfortable and trying, especially when we are so accustomed to such never ending busy lives, constantly challenged to find balance between our husband, kids, church, God, work, friends, and ourselves.
I’ve cleaned, organized, cleaned,organized and I still can’t find fulfillment and I ask myself “what’s the matter”? Before the surgery and during my overly busy times, I have lost touch with God and our personal relationship has become more distant. I would attend church when I could manage to fit it in our very busy family schedule. Many times I would remember to pray and ask God to place his hand on our challenging situation and I really did understand that God would reach for my hand and he would be there.
During this time, our family made a decision to change from attending our loving small church to a very large church where we could just soak in the message and not be burdened to do too much.
In reading this message from Pastor Vicki, forwarded by Rev Wongee, I realized that I did have my extended family here in this lovely small church, who knew me so well but I have lost touch with. This small church kept me accountable to God, to keep me going to church so that I could participate in this personal relationship. I realize now that this is what is wrong, I miss my personal relationship God.
A part of God’s grace is providing us with loving family, and I do believe my personal family is a gift. Our kids are a constant blessing to us and we feel blessed with all the joys that God has provided us, but what was missing, I realize now is this small church, I once called my church family of brothers and sisters were missing. Through this small loving church I found my relationship with God was alive and active. I could be with folks to freely listen and talk about Jesus. I know that I don’t have to go to this particular church to find God or have a relationship with him but this was the maturation of my relationship with Christ. I miss them and I want to visit them.
Please know Pastor Vicki and Rev Wongee that this message shared definitely found blessings in me, perhaps not immediately, but certainly now. I get to feel the collateral blessings a year from when it was written. God is great!
With Blessings,
Kirsten